A Bleachy Christmas Carol
by Crazy Authoresses CAT and AMS
Summary: No one in the Soul Society likes Mayuri Kurotsuchi ...AKA Captain Clownface. But Christmastime is here and he's about to get a crash course in holiday cheer from four mysterious spirits. Will it actually work? Read and find out! Spirit 1: Kisuke appears!
1. Overture

**A Bleachy Christmas Carol**

**A/N- Well, it's finals week for poor CAT again. After writing a long essay at home, then going and writing two more for exams, I was utterly tired of writing in general. That is, until this idea wormed its way into my brain. Something's got to remind me that I don't hate writing, no? At first, this was going to be a series of shorts (and I might still post the others), but this one grew so much it was clear it needed to be its own fic. Bleach Christmas is too fun to write about. Happy Holidays and enjoy!**

No matter if you're in the realm of the living or the dead, there are always people who dread the holidays and who look at you like you're an idiot if you call Christmas "the most wonderful time of the year". Some of them have good reasons. For some, it's a mild annoyance, like for Captain Yamamoto, who is constantly being mauled by Yachiru, who mistakes him for Santa and demands presents at swordpoint. Some are allergic to fake snow (the Seireitei is much like southern California in that there is no such thing as weather, just varying degrees of sunniness). Some spend weeks stressing over what to buy their loved ones, only to wake up Christmas Eve and realize that they haven't done any actual shopping. This never ends well and usually ends with a last-minute dash to the nearest convenience store. Some have to work through the holidays. Because of this, there is much tension between retail slaves and last-minute shoppers. Some just get really crappy gifts. No matter how much the thought counts, it's impossible not to be disappointed when the most intruiging package under the tree turns out to be socks. Again, this is mainly the last-minute shoppers' faults, as anyone who's ever gotten a 7-11 ice scraper as a stocking stuffer can attest. Of course, old people are major culprits too, as they're the _only_ people (besides the British) who think a tea cozy's a great gift.

...Then there are the ones who hate the season for no good reason, besides the fact that it makes other people happier than they themselves are. In the Seireitei, no one falls into this category better than Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi, the notorious sociopath and mad scientist. Yes, if anyone ever needed a holdiay intervention, it was certainly him. The only problem is that no one dares to stage such an event for someone who would sooner dissect you than utter the words "Merry Christmas". Indeed, for someone that scrooge-ish, it takes something almost supernatural to change their mind...

On this particular Christmas Eve, Mayuri sat behind his highly-polished stainless steel desk and slowly steepled his fingers. In front of him, Nemu stood stiffly, as if she had a spine made of metal (which she probably did). All in all, this would have been like every other meeting the vice-captain and her boss/creator had held, but something just didn't belong. In this case, it was the incongruously cheerful santa hat perched on Nemu's head.

"Lieutenant..." he said, trying to ignore the bile rising in his throat, "What is that ridiculous thing attached to your head. I certainly hope you're using it to cover an experiment-induced tumor, rather than for... _ornamentation_."

As he spat the last word, he shivered slightly and was relieved that his mask covered the look of revulsion and queasiness had had frozen on his normally blank face.

"I believe it is a symbol of Christmas festivity, sir. Vice-captain Matsumoto gave it to me and it seemed rude to refuse."

Mayuri peered at Nemu and his swivel chair squeaked in protest as he leaned forward.

"I'm sorry," Mayuri hissed in a slithery sort of tone that made the breath catch in Nemu's lungs, "I may not have been clear. I meant to ask why the _hell_ you dared defile my office by wearing that... that... _atrocity_."

Nemu gulped. "I-I'm sorry, sir. I just thought..."

"Bakudou #137,823,541!"

A swarm of tiny scissors popped into existence and heeded Mayuri's call by cutting the offending hat into so much Christmas confetti.

"You thought what?"

Nemu paused for a moment, as if considering what she was going to say next, then she lifted her chin and looked at her captain.

"I just thought I'd spread a little Christmas cheer. This "goodwill" is an interesting concept. I assumed you'd want to research it more extensively as a scientist."

"I KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT THIS INFERNAL HOLIDAY!"

Fortunately for timid Nemu, his verbal tirade was interrupted by hesitant knocking at the door. Mayuri looked at Nemu expectantly and she scurried to open the door.

"How can I help--"

Before she could finish her greeting, a shinigami with hair like a rooster and a personality just as loud burst into the room, followed by an exasperated-looking Rukia and a few younger shinigami who looked downright petrified.

"Captain Kurotsuchi," Renji began in a slightly stilted tone of voice that implied he was regurtitating a memorized speech, "We're here on behalf of STRAYS, Shinigami Training Rukongai Area Youth Students. Every year, there are hundreds of spiritually-gifted children that are ignored because they don't live in the Seireitei..."

Mayuri brightened slightly and his urge to stab the 6th division vice-captain lessened somewhat.

"...And you want me to experiment on them. Perfect plan! If they don't have families, I won't get all these pesky compaints. Are those ones a present?" he said, gesturing to the noobs, who promptly ran out the door.

Renji raised one eyebrow (which took extra effort since it covered half of his face).

"Uh, not quite. You see, we're asking for monetary contributions so we can sponsor under-priveleged youths in their entrance to the academy. All the other captains, even Kenpachi, have donated..."

Renji trailed off meaningfully and rattled his donations bucket. Likewise, Rukia smiled sweetly and hoisted a baner that proclaimed in big bold letters, "Merry Chrstmas, help an orphan!".

"For only a dollar a day..."

Under his mask, Mayuri's face turned red-purple.

"Get out, fools! I don't care about Rukongai tramps and I certainly don't care about the C-word!"

Rukia and Renji hesitated for a second, then Mayuri reached in his desk and pulled out a blowgun and a syringe filled with glowing green liquid. With reflexes like a startled bunny, Rukia ducked behind Renji.

"Hey, what am I, your personal human shield?" Renji said indignantly.

Rukia grinned.

"Yup, pretty much. What else are you good for?"

Renji lunged at her and she danced away, laughing mockingly. Meanwhile, insulted at being ignored in favor of a petty squabble, Mayuri raised the blowgun menacingly and cleared his throat. The two gulped and retreated out the door without another word.

"Bah humbug!" Mayuri snarled.

He turned his attention to Nemu once more.

"You are dismissed, unless there is anything else?"

The room descended into icy silence and Nemu turned to go, then stopped.

"Sir, there is one more thing. Well, two, to be accurate."

Mayuri waved his hand impatiently, signaling for her to speak.

"I was wondering if I might have a half-day off tonight. Merely for personal research, I assure you."

"Oh yes." Mayuri drawled, "Personal research. Of course."

Though see couldn't see, she knew by the tone that her captain's mouth had just twisted into a cruel grin.

"I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that it's Christmas Eve and the Gotei 13 Christmas Party is tonight."

The lieutenant visibly wilted and couldn't help but extend her lower lip in a mild pout. Perceptive as usual, Mayuri had pinned down her intention, despite her efforts to hide it. Nemu swallowed the dry lump of fear stuck in her throat and steeled herself for another round of derisive rage, much to her surprise. This was almost the most she'd ever challenged her father.

"Maybe, sir. It is expected that 12th company will be represented."

"Hrmm... trying to trick me, eh, girl? Unacceptable. We have too much to do tonight for any frivolity. But you had another order of business, did you not?" he said challengingly.

Nemu paused in her sulking for a moment and put a finger to her chin pensively.

"Uh, what does "Bah humbug" mean, master?"

"It means that you should stop wasting my time and get back to work!" Mayuri snarled.

Nemu jumped and strode efficiently to the door.

"Yes, sir. My apologies."

Never able to resist having the last word, Mayuri spoke up again.

"And I better not hear anything else about the subject!"

With that, he refocused on his desk and started sorting the various vials in the drawers, comforted by their soft clinking. The whole ordeal had reminded him of _that_ Christmas. Reflecting back on it, in ways it seemed ancient, but something about it still cut like it was yesterday. He scoffed and shook the silly, petty memories from his head and reminded himself that if he exerted any more force on the test-tube of bount DNA, it would shatter, permanently eradicating the bounts forever. Unfortunately for all the filler-haters, he controlled himself and placed the container back into its compartment. In its place, he pulled out a few unfinished equations and perused them disinterestedly.

But despite his abnormal intelligence, he could have never suspected what would happen to him that night.

**Post-story A/N- I think you all know where this is going. Take that, Charles Dickens! I've gotta admit that it's kinda weird doing a fic with Nemu and Mayuri as the main characters, since I've never been all that fond of them. Once I started thinking about it, though, I had to use them. Well, I've wasted too much time on this when I should be studying, so leave me a review as a reward. Pretty please? It'll get me through my next two finals! Upper-level college econ course are teh suck.**

**Now review or the periwinkle button in the lower left-hand corner gets it!**

**Periwinkle Button: Please... she has a relly sharp candy cane and she will use it for stabbing. Think of the children!!!**


	2. Kisuke's Ghost

**A Bleachy Christmas Carol**

**Chapter Two**

**A/N: Beware OOC-Nemu. She truly is frightening. I couldn't help myself: normal Nemu was too boring to write. By the way, the Bleach fandom is the suck. One review? C'mon, people. Lame. Just 'cause Hitsugaya's not in it yet... And it doesn't have a coupling... Aah, I kid. Anyways...**

**Disclaimer: Bleach does not belong to me and neither does 'A Christmas Carol'. Though it seems like 'A Christmas Carol' is fair game, seeing how this time of year you can't turn on the TV without seeing a B-movie version of it. ...But I'm doing the same thing, aren't I? Crap. **

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After a long evening of alternatively filing and fiddling with his expansive collection of DNA samples, Mayuri decided to call it a night. First, however, he had to attend to cleaning his laboratory, which wasn't exactly a simple task. He'd been attempting to create another Quincy clone, but all he'd been able to produce was a surly, cupid-looking midget with a bad attitude and a mop of blue hair.

_'Not that far off...' _he thought to himself encouragingly.

As Mayuri approached its holding tank, it let out a string of curses that were made inaudible by the two inches of glass that separated it from the rest of the world. Mayuri tsked at it and it bared its teeth.

"But still a failure.." he sighed, his finger hovering over an ominous red button on the tank's control panel. "Too bad."

The clown-faced captain pushed the button and waved as the specimen was deluged by a flood of swirling water and flushed like an expired goldfish. Uryuu would have been disturbed to know that deep in the sewers below the Seireitei, a race of mutant pseudo-Quincies thrived, plotting world domination and biding their time by being emo and sewing stylish uniforms for the Revolution.

Mayuri turned and trudged up the stairs that led to his living quarters above the lab (the screams helped him sleep at night) and laid down on his utilitarian bed that was barely one step up from the operating gurneys he was around all day. The exhaustion of the day caught up with him, and soon he was asleep, but not before his pesky subconscious reminded him that when he woke up, it'd be that most cursed of all holidays, Christmas. He made a note to figure out a way to surgically remove his subconscious.

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Meanwhile across the squad compound, Nemu curled up on her fluffy pink bedspread (trimmed with maribou and sparkles) and sniffled.

"It's-- hhhng... not... uehhh... fair!" She hiccupped angrily to a bright clown plushy, tears brimming in her eyes.

"You never..." she paused to blow her nose loudly, "--let me do anything fuuun! Why did you even give me stupid feelings?"

She threw the doll across the room and turned to her next victim, a plush kitty that she squeezed to her chest.

"He doesn't understand how hard it is being his vice-captain!" she gushed on, tear-rivers flooding her cheeks, "None of my friends ever want to come over to my house to play. And all my friends in the company eventually get sliced and diced for the sake of science! I just wanna be normal! I hate you, daddy!"

With that, she tore the head off the cat doll and threw the remains across the room.

Nemu never really thought about how or why Mayuri kept her supplied with stuffed animals, but the rest of the company caught on quickly when they heard particularly awful screams come from the laboratory one night and saw Mayuri emerge in the morning with a handful of plushies. Since then, it's been a monthly occurrence... one that eerily coincides with the monthly firings. Every time Nemu gets angsty, the lower members of the company in charge of clean-up always find several grotesquely mutilated toys with their stuffing leaking out. They invariably shudder and run out of the room without looking at Nemu, who is always profoundly confused by their behavior. That's the first way Captain Kurotsuchi keeps his company in line and his daughter removed from the outside world.

The second way was a bit of a mistake on Mayuri's part. When he constructed Nemu, he tried to give her an artificial intelligence that matched her outward appearance of maturity. However, sometimes nature just won't be ignored, and Nemu's emotional maturity has progressed at a natural rate. Her blank mask outside Squad 12 and in front of her captain is just a cover for the seething bundle of crazy underneath. Currently, she's going through her pre-teen stage, which means that several of the squad members who live around her are kept up at night while she blares boy band music and whines about her life.

So when Nemu was asked to join the Shinigami Women's Society, she was exposed to social interaction for the first time, and since then, her angst attacks have severely reduced in number. Until today.

_'Well, as Vice President of the SWS, I planned most of this party. There's no way I'm going to miss it! Besides, Yumichika promised he'd make me fab-u-lous! I can't let him down!"_

Nemu grabbed the life-size model of the anatomy of a shinigami corpse Mayuri had gotten her two birthdays ago and threw it on the bed, where she covered it with blankets. Then she carefully placed her "Do Not Enter Or I Kill Your Face" sign on her door and threw open her window. Without a moment of hesitation, she leapt from the fourth-story to the ground without so much as a broken bone. Being a real-life bionic woman can come in handy sometimes.

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As night spread across the Seireitei, the 12th squad captain slept fitfully, tossing and turning. His night clothes and hair became rumpled, his sheets came untucked, and his pillows fell to the floor until all he slept on was a bare mattress. Gradually, the inky blackness of his dreamless sleep lifted and he woke shivering despite the blanket twisted around him. He quietly and efficiently remade his bed, climbed back in, and pulled the covers past his shoulders to ward off the creeping chilliness. Despite all this, he couldn't shake the feeing of quiet foreboding that told him someone was watching him. And in his line of work, it pays to be paranoid. Mad scientists don't usually get to the top without stepping on (and cutting off) a few toes. So instead of ignoring his instinct, Mayuri stood and addressed the darkness.

"Who's there? Show yourself now!" he demanded sheepishly, fumbling in his nightstand for a flashlight.

He needn't have bothered. Just as Mayuri found the torch (and realized it was the one thing in his lab that didn't work), an ethereal spot of light flitted spastically around the room and left neon afterimages dancing across his vision.

"What...?" he began, only to be interrupted by the distant sound of clanking shackles.

Mayuri paled, but still continued his futile interrogation.

"What is the meaning of this?"

Silence reigned for a brief moment, and Mayuri managed to convince himself that everything had been a figment of his imagination. That is, until a disembodied voice spoke in an unbearably quiet tone that nagged at the edge of his perception.

"Woooh... Kurotsuchi... the _pain_...the emptiness... the rising darkness..."

Mayuri gulped.

"Nemu Mark 1? Is that you? If so, I'm sorry about forgetting to make you a spleen."

The bright spot reappeared and gradually grew in volume until it turned into the outline of a man. The outline solidified and the ghost creature's features morphed into the familiar smug grin and body shape of Kisuke Urahara, though a few degrees more transparent than usual.

"Why if it isn't my old buddy, Lieutenant Kurotsuchi! Sorry about messing with you earlier, but you should've seen your face! Priceless. So, how's it hanging?" Spirit-Kisuke grinned, floating luxuriously a good three or four feet above the ground.

"This _it _you speak of was hanging better before you showed up. I thought you were banished to the human world. Does this sudden misty morphological change mean that you've passed on... again? If so, don't expect your job back."

Cloudy Kisuke folded his arms and glowered.

"Yuri-chan, is that any way to greet your mentor and brutha-from-anotha-mother?"

"Don't call me that! It's Captain Kurotsuchi to you, worm!" Mayuri shrieked before regaining his composure. " And unless there's a reason for this late-night visit, please leave this place."

"Oh, but there is a reason, Monsieur Crankypants. Allow me to elaborate. You see, the universe in general thinks you're a major jerkwad and you've gotta change your ways or karma'll kick you in the nads and you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life. You know, the usual."

Mayuri scowled.

"Your descriptions are as colorful as usual, Kisuke. But what makes you think that you can make me change my ways? You were the one who started the Research and Development unit. I'm just carrying on your legacy. Of course, I'm better at it, but that's no reason to try to sabotage with this spirit nonsense."

Kisuke surveyed the cramped room and gave his best you've-gotta-be-kidding look.

"I'm only doing this for your own good, Krotchi-chan. I've been watching you for a while now and it's only today that you've been able to see me. I'd say that's an omen, yessiree."

The room went silent except for the faint sound of Maruyi gritting his teeth. Kisuke hummed obliviously and swayed slightly from the air current.

"_How_ long did you say you've been spying on me?" Mayuri snarled.

"Oh, a couple weeks, give or take. It's actually an interesting story. You see, a couple of weeks ago I was experimenting with my latest invention, the Diary of Doom, when I dropped the prototype. Well, some kid with homocidal tendencies and a god complex picked it up and started to use it for a killing spree to cleanse the Earth or something."

Listening to the story, Mayuri came as close as he permitted to pouting. Kisuke Urahara was unique in that he was the only person Mayuri Kurotsuchi considered crazier than himself. After Kisuke had been banished, Mayuri had taken several measures to remedy this, including experimenting on himself, constantly showing off his creepy bloated-baby zanpakuto, and beating out both Gin and Zaraki in a popular opinion 'Person you would least want to run into in a dark alley alone at night' poll. The fact that Kisuke could still shock him annoyed the hell out of Mayuri, so he stopped the rambling ex-captain.

"...And how exactly do you kill someone with a diary?"

Kisuke grinned that unsettling grin of his and flapped his fan a few times modestly.

"Well, all you have to do is write their name and know what they look like. I imbued the paper with a spell that takes those two variables into account, then summons one of my specially-designed Reaper hollows, which then murders said person. You get off scot-free. Comes in handy when someone tries to avoid paying their tab. Did I mention I have a shop in the human world? It's super-cute. Anyhow, naturally, I hunted megalomaniac-boy down and very politely requested he stop being a freak and gimme my toy back. I was nice; there was hardly any blood at all... I just made the mistake of wearing my name-tag from the shop and he used that to kill me a bit. My dear employees are working on a gigai, but without me, they're making slow work of it. So until I get all fixed up, I've been spying on you guys. You're the most interesting, though. Or pathetic. I can't decide."

During Kisuke's speech, Mayuri had become progressively redder until it looked like his scientifically-altered head would explode. Kisuke noticed and hovered over and put one ethereal arm around Mayuri comfortingly. Mayuri tensed and batted him away as though he'd just been attacked by an over-grown mosquito.

"Hey, May-chan! That wasn't nice. Look, I apologize. The pathetic thing wasn't supposed to be an insult, it was just... you know, a fact."

The veins in Mayuri's forehead bulged and his eyes started twitching simultaneously.

"Stop calling me by those ridiculous _nicknames_ or there will be _consequences_. If I hadn't thought you were a hallucination at first, I would have already called for reinforcements. You're no match for my rogue konpaku task-force."

Trying hard to look innocent, Kisuke put one finger to his cheek quizically.

"Sorry, I didn't catch that last part. Who're you gonna call?"

"Listen, you fool. I said you should already be deleted by my rogue konpaku task-force. They're a fearsome bunch of--"

"No! You got it all wrong! You were supposed to say 'GhostBusters!'. I tell you, you Soul Society losers have no sense of humor, big time." Kisuke said smugly before he launched into a fit of hysterical giggles at his own joke.

At the sound of laughter, Mayuri tensed and involuntarily shuddered in annoyance.

"So, you mentioned that there was a reason for you being here? The sooner you do whatever you need to do, the sooner you can get the hell out of here."

Kisuke paused. "Oh, right. I forgot. You see, these chains--" he gestured to his chest and the inga no kusari attached there. "Were forged by my misdeeds in life. I've had to carry around these burdens since I passed on, and trust me, yours will be worse unless you mend your ways."

"Uhh, that's just your chain of fate." Mayuri sneered.

"Whatever! It's different when you're on this end of it!

"Right... As interesting as this all is, it's an utter waste of time. I'm going to find some sleeping pills." Mayuri said, turning to leave.

Just as Mayuri's fingers wrapped around the doorknob, Kisuke wafted in front of him and hit his successor with his pimp sword-cane, which happened to still be solid enough to smack a bitch. Mayuri let out a noise composed of equal parts indignation and rage, but slowly removed his hand.

"Bad captain! Drugging yourself won't take away the pain! Just say no!"

Unfortunately for Kisuke, Mayuri had removed his hand from the door to draw his zanpakuto. The bloated baby glared at him menacingly from the hilt.

"Shall we see if my sword can cut through pure reishi? Somehow I think the answer is yes, seeing how that's what it's composed of."

Both assumed their fighting poses.

" It's on!" Kisuke nodded, grinning ferociously, "Scream, Benihime!"

"Go get him, Ashisogi Jizo!"

Nothing happened for either one. That is, until their zanpakutos materialized and a smokin' hot red-haired vixen and a rugrat-resembling baby appeared. Benihime put one hand on a shapely hip and shook the other at her wielder scoldingly.

"You can't be serious, Kisuke. You actually want me to attack a cute itsy bitsy baby? I could never do that. Besides, what makes you think I'll listen to you? You always ignore me. In twenty-one volumes of manga, you've only drawn me once. And even then it was against some pre-teen ball o' angst. Even Hanataro's zanpakuto's gets more action!" Benihime pouted.

"Benihime," Kisuke hissed under his breath, "You're breaking the fourth wall again."

Benihime put her hand over her mouth sheepishly.

"Oops! Anyways, I'm not gonna hurt the ickle cutie-kins. No, I'm not. Who's a good baby?" Benihime cooed.

"Ga?" Ashisogi Jizo responded.

"Are these mean testosterone-crazed men being mean to us? Yes they are!"

"Goo." It tried to stand up in agreement, but it's chibi-legs couldn't support it and it fell back to the ground and bawled. "Waaaah!"

Benihime picked up the distressed toddler and held it to her ample bosom, where it snuggled happily.

"And we're not going to fight for them, are we?"

"Ga!"

The two captains looked at the scene, then at each other, severely disturbed.

"Let's, uhh, never mention that again." Kisuke said, sheathing Benihime.

A pale Mayuri nodded and did the same.

"Agreed."

Kisuke peered at his watch, which read :58 in blinking red digits. As he watched, it slowly counted down toward zero.

"Aw, crap. I think that's all the time I get. Listen and listen well. You'll be visited by three other spirits tonight-- The Ghost of Christmas Past, The Ghost of Christmas Present, and the Ghost of Christmas Future. Note the capitals. They're that important, so don't piss them off, kay? Well, I'm off to get my body back and exact revenge. I'm totally genocide-moding that whiny little Kira kid. Not the Soul Society Kira, of course, even if he does have mega-unstylish floppy hair. Well, my job's done. Toodles for now, Chi-chan!"

Ghost-kisuke vanished as his watch blinked :00 and let out a high-pitched beeping noise. And with that, Mayuri was left alone once more in his room.

"Nonsense." Mayuri muttered to himself, "Three ghosts, indeed. Kisuke's just trying to pull a trick on me. And if he's not, I'll just have to practice my konso. Problem solved."

Somehow, Mayuri couldn't convince himself it'd be so easy. Resigned, he sighed and settled in for one long night.

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Post-Story A/N: Just in case you all didn't pick up on it, the "Diary of Doom" thing is based on the DeathNote series. For some reason, it came to mind that only Kisuke would be crazy enough to invent a DeathNote, and the idea spiralled out of control from there. XD Next chapter, a few of our Shinigami favorites show up, Nemu's origins are kinda-sorta revealed, and there are alpacas. Not really. But I do love alpacas. Until then, leave a shiny review or I'lll haunt yooooouuuu! Or maybe I'll starve the periwinkle button and turn it into a ghost. Either way, it's on your conscious!

Periwinkle Button: Please, sir, can I have some more... reviews?  
CAT: You fail! Wrong Dickens story!


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